Steve and I had the opportunity to interview Emerson Eggerichs on the radio show a few weeks ago. He is the author of Love & Respect as well as Cracking The Communication Code. After reviewing my notes from the show, I wanted to distill this critical message and share it with you in the most succinct way possible. I think this understanding is essential to maximizing your full potential in marriage. This is based on Ephesians 5: 22-33 from the New Testament. Here goes… The Crazy Cycle in marriage (Which triggers and fuels itself) can be summed up like this:  “Without love, she reacts without respect. Without respect, he reacts without love. Around and around they go—on the Crazy Cycle.”  Is there win-win solution that will keep us out of this dilemma and if so, what is it? Yes, there is definitely a solution. The solution is both biblical and counter-cultural, meaning that it goes against what is popularly promoted and exalted in our modern society (TV, movies, talk shows, most books, most schools, etc.). For the most part, modern culture recommends “following your feelings.” Clearly the bible says, “Obey God’s principles.” Our relationship faces consequences either route we take. An understanding, in and of itself, of the Love & Respect Principle goes a long way to deflating negative emotions when they flare up. Here is a quick 10 point overview: 

1. Assume the goodwill and good intentions of your spouse in all situations. Reread point number one.
2. A husband is to love (verb) his wife without condition. Focus on loving. What does this look like to your wife?
3. A wife is to respect (verb) her husband without condition. Focus on respecting. What does this look like to your husband?
4. Avoid the crooked thinking mistake: “I feel hurt; therefore, you hurt me.” This logic naturally leads to withholding either love or respect.
5. Loving or respecting your spouse often requires you to “step out in faith” particularly in those rare moments where “love is not deserved or respect is not earned.” After all, what is the big virtue in either loving or respecting when it is obviously deserved? God’s greatest blessings are reserved for those who act without evidence or assurances. To paraphrase Goethe, “Treat your husband as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat him as he should be and could be and he will become more than you ever imagined. Treat your wife as she is and she will remain as she is. Treat her as she could be and should be and she will exceed all of your expectations.”
6. Reacting to the negativity (minor or major) of your mate gives them more power than God ever intended. Instead, act out of either love or respect. This is a clear choice.
7. Husbands, remember, when you love your wife when she is unlovable, you are not validating her negative behavior, you are following a biblical principle to act toward your spouse with reverence, honor, and love and thereby bolstering her capability to respect you the way you want to be respected. Isn’t that what you really want to happen?
8. Wives, remember, when you respect your husband when he is unrespectable, you are not endorsing his poor behavior, you are obeying biblical principles and investing in his capability to love you the way you desire to be loved. Isn’t that what you really want to happen?
9. Treat each other as though you were really in the relationship with the Lord, not your spouse. When you speak to each other, and before you speak to each other, imagine God standing next to your spouse and adjust your words accordingly. With practice, this discipline will become a very productive habit.
10.  Who should break the Crazy Cycle if you find yourself stuck in it? Answer: The most mature person in the relationship!

What do you think? I encourage you to use and share this principle today!